ANN:) Unexpected Things Happened in October 2007

For several years now when I got pregnant to my first son, CJ who is 16 y/o now, it was astonishing to know that I was pregnant again after a loooooooong 15 years of waiting. Thank you God was the first word I mumbled when I saw before my very own eyes, the two purpled lines appeared on the home pregnancy test kit. It was like, my hubby and I hit the lottery jackpot so to speak, after learning I was pregnant again. Finally, the Lord granted our wish to have another baby, so we headed off to Naga City to see an OB-Gyne and had myself submitted for an ultrasound. The result showed that I was 6-7 weeks pregnant but negative fetal heart rate and upon seeing the result, my OB-Gyne advised me that I was likely having a “blighted ovum” pregnancy and was told to come back for a repeat scan after two weeks to confirm fetal viability.

We went home with heavy hearts, as if they will collapse. So, I immediately investigated and researched more on blighted ovum what this complex word was. It was an enormous shocked and heart-breaking to accept, knowing that something was wrong with my pregnancy.

Throughout the first trimester stage of my pregnancy, it was very distressing. I had spotting, noticed some reddish-brown stains and got hit with terrible abdominal cramps. After two weeks of waiting, the moment of truth had arrived when I went through for another ultrasound with a diagnosis saying “repeated scan shows minimal increase in the size of the gestational sac with no fetal pole or cardiac activities.” It was confirmed blighted ovum, an early pregnancy complication that will always end in pregnancy loss within the first trimester, and it will aptly to have miscarriage. I had a fertilized egg implanted in my womb but no visible developing embryo, shattering news that was difficult to accept. My OB-Gyne bestowed upon me the decision whether I would want to be admitted in the hospital for dilation and curettage (D & C) procedure to remove the placental tissues or wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. I settled for the latter. My OB-Gyne shared that most women who have had a blighted ovum go on to have successful pregnancies (but, what if I am no longer capable of getting pregnant and not in my child-bearing years anymore? LOL). Well, that's the least comforting word that I could get.

We left disheartened, devastated and all I could do was to sob. Back at home, the miscarriage process (heavy bleeding, severe abdominal cramps and pain in the pelvic and lower back) continued over several days.

Grieving is something that every individual has to do after one has experienced a pregnancy loss. This miscarriage thing was new to me as this was my first. I am earnestly praying that it will not happen to me again though our Almighty God has HIS own reason “even a falling of a leaf has a reason,” so to speak.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 55:8

In trying to be helpful and caring, we often find ourselves saying things that we think would make the person feels better, but in fact, makes that person feels worse. Sometimes, some comments may come across as being hurtful even if not intended that way and I was no exception to this as I had my own share of this comment. Someone remarked, “You should see a priest and request for a confession!” Whaat? Did this person know what she was talking about? Yes, I go for a confession but not for this purpose. As if I have done a heinous crime or committed a mortal sin. It was not my fault to have had a blighted ovum pregnancy. Please try to avoid giving advice or saying anything that minimizes the loss.

Here are “what not to say” tips to those who have experienced miscarriage:

1. "Everything will be fine next time."
What if I’m no longer capable of having a baby next time because of age factor?

2. "You can always have another."
I don’t want another baby, I want this baby.

3. "Now you have an angel looking after you."
I don't want an angel, I want my baby back.

4. "It's for the best."
Best for whom?

5. "Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my own baby?

6. "I understand how you feel."
Everyone feels the grief uniquely.

7. "At least you have other kid.”
A baby lost cannot be replaced even if I have a living child.

8. It happened because ________.”
Please avoid speculations over what caused the miscarriage. No one really knows.

Things to say:
1. “You are always in my thoughts and prayers”
2. "I'm sorry."
3. "What can I do to help?"
4. "I'm just here, if you want to talk.”

Every woman has her own ways of grieving and timeframe. We may find ourselves struggling to think of the right thing to say when someone close to us loses a pregnancy, especially if we have no personal miscarriage experience. A comforting hug, pat on the back, offering a shoulder and assuring her that we are here if she needs somebody to talk to maybe the best way to lift her spirit.

To cope for the grief and as part of my healing process, I buried the placental tissue to lay it to rest and together planted a mangosteen seed in our backyard that will serve as a memoir to put in my memory box. It was also a means to contribute something, in my own little way to my mother earth. Here’s the mangosteen plant now after 1 yr. and 3 months, to be exact.